The Battle for Worth

I have been thinking a lot lately (I know, this is probably dangerous in this day and age). I have particularly been thinking about why I am the way I am. Now, on the exterior I love to be my fun, crazy, sweet, and exuberant self. But sadly on the inside I have a lot of things going on. I have absolutely no love for who I am. I wake up and look in the mirror only to cringe at what I see and what I know I don't see. I always want to please everyone, but I always feel like I fail. In every area I always feel like I'm not quite good enough. I could always be a little prettier or a little smarter or a little more funny or a little "cooler". I have also realized that my whole life is just one giant attempt not to be annoying. In every circumstance I am always afraid I get on people's nerves. At youth group I don't want to talk to the teacher because I'm sure he has better things to do than spend time talking to me. At school I avoid conversations or interactions with some people who I think are really awesome because I think they'd so much rather not talk to me. I don't want to get into romantic relationships because I know that I will expect so much validation and attention from him, and I don't want him to feel like he has to put up with me. I would rather starve my soul of affection than be around someone who thinks I'm stupid or worthless. I thrive off of social interaction, but I hate that about myself. I hate needing something. I hate that empty feeling I get whenever I have been neglected or chastised. I have so much love to give, yet I hold so much back just because I fear being rejected. My heart has trained itself through heartbreak to stuff my truest self underneath the rug. There is a lie that my heart has been nurturing. The lie tells me, "Susanna you are worthless. You're a mistake, don't you see how much you screw up? You should be more like him or her! Everyone is disappointed in you, when people look at you they thank God they aren't you! Some people hate you because you're happy and some just don't care that you're alive. Stop trying to fit in, stop trying to love this person or that person because they DON'T WANT YOU in their life!" This morning in church I was keenly aware of my inadequacy. During one of the last songs I ran into the bathroom. I couldn't worship. I ran into the stall and begged God to remind me that He loved me. I think the tears I shed were the expression of pain that my heart couldn't put words to. "God please show me your love! Let me feel it, let me know that you have a beautiful story and purpose for my life! Please show me that I am not worthless. I want to know that if I died right now that it would leave a mark." My worst fear is being rejected. I willingly make myself vulnerable, and I think people don't realize how many things I take to heart. I have something to offer the world, but what if the world doesn't want it? It's remarkable the capacity for utter despair that I have. Nobody ever tells me that I'm not good enough, I just tell myself that. I tell myself that I will never get married because there is no man in the world who deserves to have to put up with me the rest of his life. I tell myself that I am a disappointment to God. I forget that it breaks his heart to see me hurting. I am loved beyond understanding. I am forgiven. I have so much reason for joy, yet I am always at war with myself. I have to fight the lies. I have to battle the self-loathing. I can't love the people around me well if I don't understand what true love is. The love that I have in Jesus is the only thing that can allow me to love everyone. I can love people who are totally different from and and just like me. I can love people who despise me, and I can love people who love me back. Jesus is who I want to love like. He loves lowly fisherman, he loves the lepers and the prostitutes, he loves the "sinners", and he loves me. If only I could see his face. His heart breaks for my broken heart. He cries tears for mine. He sheds his blood for mine. I don't want anyone to worry about me, but I just wanted to get this off of my heart and maybe help some of you understand me better.